My adventure to China probably would have been faster if I dug a hole through the center of the earth. But what fun would that be? To get to China I’m going the long way with stop number one LAS VEGAS BABY!! Sin City here I come… I will be hanging out in Vegas for two days, so what have I done and seen so far? 

1. The Neon Boneyard, I have waited five years to see the mythical place romanticized in Vegas Vacation. First off… Nothing like the movie if that’s what you are hoping for not the place for you! If you like being treated like cattle, and can listen FAST this is the place for you! The old signs are awesome especially at dusk, so tune out your tour guide (you won’t retain it anyway) and enjoy the jumble of old school neon. If you have ever been to Vegas they are probably familiar to you. Make the most of your hour, in true western cattle fashion they are going to heard you right on out of the park.

As sad as it was to get rushed out before I was done enjoying my favorite thing (things that glow)  

   
We had places to be!!! A long running Vegas show, we had Booth tickets for Jubilee. It was winding down a 37 year run in Vegas. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.  You can see more Tits and Ass that are less anorexic at the strip club for lots less money. Good grief girls EAT A HAMBURGER! I can see why after 37 years this show is closing its run, in fact I’m shocked it made it this long. After watching I have to admit I’m a bit disturbed…. I have NO IDEA what I just saw other then lots of nipples. My theory is: written on LSD, enjoyed on X and Coke retired on heroin and meth.  Goodbye Jubilee, you have passed your expiration date.

In and out total so far = 1 

First impressions and stereotypes exist, and they exist for a reason. But they aren’t always right. Look at me. Am I an anomaly? Maybe, who knows. Because my money and my lifestyle really isn’t anyone’s business buy mine. I have learned a lot from the time I had extra to now when I have none. However, very few people know, or notice. That is until I park in a handicap parking spot or use my EBT card.

Perceptions, stereotypes and first impressions. We all have them, we all make them, and we all project them. But are they right? Do you act on them? Believe them? I have been dealing with them for years due to the fact that I have a disability, but don’t look like the broken individual that I am. I rely EBT (food stamps) to fill my fridge, but the looks and judgment when I buy my groceries, when I use my card are shocking. Some would find it offensive, I find it humors, and an interesting study on human behavior. The truth of the matter is outward appearances can lie. I look like every other twenty-something, young, happy, healthy and upper middle class. Appearances lie.

I’m fighting disability stereotyping, fighting the stereotype that all disabled people are old, in a wheel chair, are visibly deformed and everyone can tell by looking. That isn’t the case. My disability has basically bankrupted me. Medical care isn’t cheap, Obamacare isn’t the best thing to ever happen to me. Like I said, I rely on EBT to fill my fridge. No, I don’t have children (GASP!! NOT EVEN ONE!) Guess what…. I don’t look like I should be on EBT (food stamps) either.

I have a college education, I used to have a very very good job before I got hurt and couldn’t work, but I still make my life work. I have learned to shop differently. I take better care of my belonging, I learned to make my belongings last. I do my own nails, use a second hand prepaid iphone and I buy second hand and recondition anything I can before I buy new. I am the queen of end of the season clearance sales. I found a cobbler, because guess what? It is far cheaper to clean and fix the five year leather old boot I bought on end of season clearance then to buy a new pair of cheap imitation ones every year. I have learned to sew. I sew buttons, fix the holes in my socks, hem my pants, patch the holes in my jeans. Hats, scarves and shirts are much cheaper if you buy them off the internet.

If you were to pick me out of a line up in what I was wearing yesterday:

5 year old leather boots (bought on end of season clearance $50.00)

clearance Hollister skinny jeans $8.00

tall socks (that I have patch twice) $5.00

a clearance tank top $3.00

a clearance long sleeve tee shirt $2.50

a clearance scarf $5.00

internet slouch hat $4.00

Total cost of outfit $ 77.50 Total cost of outfit after you take out the shoes $23.50 (because let’s face it, they are five years old, they have paid for themselves by now!)

From what I was wearing I would blend in anywhere, and I don’t blame the cashier at the store for doing a double take when I gave him my EBT card or for asking for ID to confirm it was my card. I thought the look on his face was shocked, awed and priceless. As you can see from the cost of the clothing I was wearing, I am a put together individual. Up on fall fashion trends, and all for less then most people pay for a pair of pants.

Anyone can be poor, broken or desperate. I could be your neighbor, your best friend or the person in front of you at the store. On the flip side you could be next to a Millionaire. Who are you to judge? It’s all about perceptions, first impressions and I challenge you to challenge yours.

Captain log day 2

1: 31 am 
I am being snowed on somewhere in random nowhere WY, 90″s tunes are jamming on the radio to keep me going and copilot is making an attempt to sleep…. Saving grace? Notorious B.I.G. Likes Big Butts. 
2:18 am
Pass through Boyson Sate Park and Thermopolis. (THER-Mall- LO-LA-po-LIs) make  we contact male parental figure at home base (home base) to confirm we are indeed alive, and no longer on predesigned route. I again butcher  Thermopolis (THERM-Mel-MEL-Pole-PALis) because it is funny, and I am board, who has not caught onto amusing game game. How many other distinct names can I mutilate during check in before home base catches on? Count to commence.  
4:55 am
14 hours of driving, rain has intensified into monsoon and copilot has declared a game over. Sufficient distance has been covered;
Current progress, past casper WY with a Yellowstone National Park Detour.  Time to find an acceptable parking lot for a refresher course with my copilot in Kia car camping. Proper mattress (check) pillow (check) blanket… FAIL! 
Power nap… And GO! 
8:18 am
I feel bad for southern WY. It is the flat girl at the prom wishing it had the rack of those around it Southern Wy is doomed to be forever flat, bumpy and ugly so desperately trying to compensate by being fast. 
10:33
Pit stop at Candi’s I have made the call. I want to see friendly faces. Copilot has snored through coffee, towns, a phone call. Conversation is required. Candi feeds me, copilot is pleased. 
6:14 pm
We find ourselves still in CO. The lack of progress after 27 hours is startling to home base. As we sit in a Freddy’s and ponder our failure at road tripping I marvel at my mastery of Vera Bradly Seasonal Sales. 
7:08
Colorado Springs, on the road again. The country here is the most beautify we have encountered since Yellowstone, the random red rocks are beautiful. What made them? Where they left by Glaciers? Gods? Are they giant prehistoric rock pimples?
9:48
Pothole v Kia. Kia lost and Colorado will be keeping us one more night. damages to be fully assessed upon the AM. Motel has been secured, comfort food is in order.  Road trip Progress on the day, POOR.  Adventure progress on the day, OUTSTANDING 
 

  Trip overview: 

Road trip expected to last 14 days with female parental figure serving as my copilot. Our final destination is approximately 21 hours travel time from home. This means a total time in the car to and from destination is expected to be roughly two days each way with 10 days at the final destination. Goal of trip is to meet with copilot’s six sisters to move her mother into assisted living.  
This log shall serve as a record of this adventure.  For the ease of recording logs shall be 12- 12, in 24 hour increments. 
Day 1 4:47 pm
Drama has began and we haven’t left MT. Sisterly decree has been made: cleaning and dividing of assets will commence on the AM, all division of property shall be done prior to power of attorney arriving and done by age, deal with it.  Feeling the sisterly love. Begin detour into Yellowstone National Park.  
7:47pm
Bison do shit in the woods, in Yellowstone bison also travel alone. Many elk, mule deer, and one bunny. No bear to report…. 
9:13pm
Yellowstone Grand Canyon falls north rim. Timing is perfect, sun has set. Just enough light to see by, overlook is deserted and private which is perfect for I am still a small child. I will spit over any rushing body of water, and throw anything that will float just to see it destroyed by the sheer fuck ton of water that is rushing by. We are witnessing Mother Nature’s picturesque beauty during spring run off. It is 41 degrees, snow dots the ground my toes are blue in their flip flops. WORTH detour. 
11:05 pm 
Three tunnels of death outside Cody Wy were experienced to the fullest potential. Traditional holding breath was observed, still alive… Copilot could not complete task satellite radio also failed. Slight headache from lack of oxygen.  In other news Cody Wy… BLAH

I have done a bad bad thing… a thing I feel shame about, something I feel the need to hide from all the people that I know. I did something that felt so very right in the moment, so good while it was happening. I knew I was going to regret it later, but I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t resist. It is a terrible thing, yet so common. Something that I know that everyone has done at least once and everyone does… Everyone may deny it, say, “Oh no! Not Me! I’m not that girl.” But we all know the truth. Everyone has done the walk of shame and tried to hide the evidence of the aftermath.

I know what you must be thinking right?? I am just like every other twenty something on the planet, I had a one night stand, and now you get to hear all about it. YOU ARE WRONG MY FRIEND! I had McDonald’s for LUNCH!

McDonald’s is the lazy equivalent of the One Night Stand…. It is the One Night Stand that you have when there is no prospect in the bar, or for the special person that is committed to their partner, for when your wing-man is FANTASTIC! It is your daytime afternoon delight without the release; all the sin without the exercise to burn some of that vodka.

The secret shame goes a little like this:

Pull up to the window to get your grease bomb of fries, hide in your car in a deserted parking lot, eat every last scrap of bag fry… and now what to do with the bag? Where to hide it? Heaven forbid you just announce to the world (damn those snarky office mates) what you just did. How to get rid of the evidence because you will feel nasty enough as that gut bomb affectionately known as Charlie will be reminding you soon enough and for hours to come that you have NO SELF CONTROL. So you do what every smart person worth their salt does… Hide it in the trash can of the office next door! Stink up their space with grease and salt!

Let’s take a moment to review how the only differences between McDonald’s and a One Night Stand are STD’s, Pregnancy and a few thousand calories: Overwhelming sense of shame that you shouldn’t discuss in polite company, Check! Everyone does it and no one admits it (otherwise there would be no more McDonald’s, OR, Planned Parenthoods, OR Planned B) Check! Hangovers after, Check! Everyone craves a little bit (admit it, you know you want some whether it is fries, or some lovin’) CHECK!

So there you have it folks… I did a bad bad thing… and you do it too!

We overlooked the sub-par writing and a trashy hook that got so many people to a story line that by all accounts shouldn’t have captivated an entire population, because many people didn’t make it past the hook to the story line. Hordes of women ate up and openly discussed a previously taboo topic all because it was for a better word… Hot

It’s story that took a meek miss and an insatiable attraction that we all desperately want to feel. No matter how poorly written the story is, and how racy the smut is in the Red Room of Pain, the true story of 50 is more then an S & M bondage book. The true story is a story of a girl finding her backbone, as well as herself and in the process changing and healing a man who thought he was beyond repair and incapable of loving anyone unconditionally. The smut is really just the hook to get you to read the book and to set it apart from every other dime store, and Avon Romance out there. The S&M worked, an entire population couldn’t get enough, and the readers demanded more! Every reader that actually read the parts between the Read Room identified with that meek miss and ultimately the sneaky dominate within her we all wish we could be. The readers that only were in it for the sex spoke too, everyone one was loud and clear voice: WE WANT A MOVIE! The people have spoken… a visual representation of this magnet attraction needs to be made.

So the first installment:

50 Shades of… a truly horrific and disappointing movie for all women everywhere.

First off: the actors couldn’t have been more wrong for the parts.

Dakota Johnson as Anastasia Steele: Wasn’t a terrible choice, she just looked OLD and unusually frumpy. Let’s be real… an undercover attractive 21 year old she was not. The poor girl already had wrinkles. She just didn’t have that innocent, attractive; doe eyed quality you would expect from reading the books. I will give her credit; she did learn her lines… 6/10

Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey: Nothing is right with this choice except his abs. I think anyone would have been better suited for this part. He isn’t hot enough for the part; his acting was TERRIBLE (I am pretty sure the entire movie was read from cue cards)…. 2/10

Chemistry between the two main actors…

1/10 You got the feeling from watching the movie that they HATED each other. In fact, there are rumors swirling in internet land that this is the case. For a movie that is portraying an attraction of this magnitude, and one that has two people that JUST CAN’T stay away from each other chemistry can save a movie. These two were like cardboard cut outs. 1/10

Movie Compared to the Book:

So disappointed! 3/10 They skipped all of the best non sex scenes that were important to the plot of the book, and then for the sex it was all nipples, belly buttons and ass cheeks….

Bottom line:

Skip the movie and read the book. Your imagination can do a way better job.